Forced Seasons of Change
My last post, entitled Not So In Haste, My Heart dealt with the struggles between forcing change in our lives versus waiting for things to occur naturally, or, perhaps, as God wills them. This post deals with a surprise which turns the tables once again; a surprise which is a relief in so many ways despite the vast amount of uncertainty that it brings with it.
Over the past several months I have been slowly searching for jobs as a result of a regular discontent in my daily work, but perhaps it is more than just my work. To be honest things have been a big blur for a while now--getting up, going to work, coming home drained, and somehow mustering up the strength to fake it all over again. It's rather tiresome to go on doing something that is not enjoyable but I have managed to keep it up for a while. This may be due to my innate stubbornness, or call it perseverance, but I kept it up probably longer than I should have in the end.
I have been back and forth about waiting out the minimum time to take advantage of the equity that my job had set aside for me, in the event that we made it big. I kept asking myself: "What if I quit and then a few months later we make it big? I'll really kick myself for not sticking it out a few more months if it turns out to make them all rich." That was my only concern about leaving my job for a while but even that had waned as I laboriously rose and went through the motions. The job search has been rather demanding, as it often is, searching through every job board looking for that perfect fit which is about as obvious as all life choices are (not obvious at all).
A little over two years ago I joined the company and it was much the same as it is now...at the time my heart knew that I didn't want to work for a start-up again and I did not want to work every waking hour of the day, but yet I did it again. Perhaps it was a lack of choices, or perhaps it all came together in a way which felt rather miraculous so it seemed the best decision to make. The good things were that I was able to work remotely from: Seoul, South Korea; Wilmington, NC; Lisboa, Faro, and Porto (Portugal); Sevilla, Malaga, Granada, Cordoba, Madrid (Spain); and Gibraltar. That really worked out and would not have been possible in most scenarios, so I must say that I am grateful. Likewise, this position brought us out to San Diego, CA, where we have been for barely one year (August 22, 2016 we flew out here), so we have even more excitement for which to smile about.
I have been closing in on some positions and waiting out other opportunities, interviewing in the mornings, studying at night, searching job boards when I should be sleeping; dreaming about new opportunities when I should be conscious of the life going on about me. Today, for instance, I had the good fortune to interview with a company--it went rather well, but after my arrival at work I was let go due to the current financial state of our company. The past few months have been leading up to this moment, and more so this week. We had meeting after meeting where the reality was becoming more clear. Today as I was summoned I felt rather confident about the subject matter and was met with the expected--an apologetic, somber explanation of the obvious and that it necessarily resulted in my being let go. I received the news like a champion, I felt, seeing as how I saw it coming it wasn't too difficult, however, I feel confident that it would have caused me more frustration in my earlier years. The hymn I mentioned in the first paragraph has been on my mind for some time so it is in that vein that we accept the news with glad hearts. In 2010, around the time I started this blog I was in the process of joining the military and after nearly a year of waiting we received the news that it was not an option--our plans which were certain were no longer a certainty; they were certain only in that they were not going to happen. We were devastated. Who wouldn't be? While I cannot compare this moment to that, it is because of those moments that we can hope now.
We have seen the outcome of our circumstances and that God has not forgotten us--He certainly did not give us what we wanted, or what we asked Him for, nor did not do anything in the time frame in which we requested. In retrospect I cannot say this isn't a bad thing. In my desperation over the past few weeks I even re-evaluated the military option (Cryptolinguist) and contacted both Army and Air Force recruiters just to give it one last shot. I was swiftly reminded that this was no longer an option for many reasons (I'm still colorblind, still very nearsighted, highly astigmatic, married to a foreign national, spent years abroad making contacts in many countries, have relatives living in foreign countries, etc.). These reasons make me ineligible for my desired rate in the military and also make me a rather unlikely candidate for a Top Secret clearance. I can still have desperate moments where I question things and I believe I'm doing better than in the past.
My wife has seen me over these past few months as I have searched for jobs and grown impatient, upset, and been rather difficult to live with. In many ways I am exactly the same person I was in 2010, only with less hair. In other ways, I think that I have learned a lot and am less miserable when my plans fail now.
In short, I no longer have a job but have high hopes that I will do something very different, and that I will enjoy it more. I hope to find my place in this world and take steps towards working in languages and linguistics. Sometimes it can be a rather daunting task seeing job postings which make it seem that I never have the relevant skills to pursue my interests, but other days I feel that I am inching towards my goals. I hope that I can one day find my way back into school in some capacity--I can't seem to stop reading about linguistics, and perhaps computational linguistics (how else can I make sense of my interests in computer science and languages? Obviously I have to do both). It has already been ten years since I completed college and the interests have only intensified; there is little doubt that another ten years will result in the same. Another interest has always been China. I can't really tell you why or how, but it's an interesting place to me. We visited a Chinese immersion school in San Diego today to consider it as an option for Eliora. They teach kindergarten in Mandarin and then little by little over the years even it out to equal parts English and Mandarin. It's fascinating. We'll keep this on the radar and see what becomes of it. See how many exciting things are going on when we just sit down to write them out?
Here is to hoping for a new, exciting position which can one day get me closer to working in linguistics in some unknown capacity (if I knew exactly what it was I wanted to do I would have probably done that already, but it's a bit of a fleeting goal some days). For today, we deal with a brief period of unemployment. Tomorrow, or, next week perhaps, we pursue our goals as a family. It's strange to say this but I feel such a sense of relief now that the moment has arrived and I am now able to work for anyone again--anything could happen now.